Two politicians, a Democrat and a Republican, are talking in a bar.
"I never lose an opportunity to promote the Party," says the Republican.
"For instance, when I take a cab, I always give the driver a really big tip and tell them to vote Republican!"
"That's interesting," replies the Democrat.
"Whenever I take a cab, I just pay the basic fare, give no tip at all, and tell them to vote Republican!"
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other...
....so now it's just a waiting game!
"I was really looking forward to a date I had the other night. It started out perfect he was charming, he made me laugh and then he made me pay.
He pulled the old 'I'm sorry, I forgot my wallet.' bit." I said, "Really? What a coincidence, I forgot my pussy."
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first.
"They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second.
"They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third.
"They said this proved I had an American watch." ======================================================================
Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.
"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain Store downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."
"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't know," he said."My radio is broken."
What's the definition of an impotent loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!" ========================================================================
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family.
Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!" ======================================================================
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they