Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me she could see
from the bedroom window that I had left the light on in the shed.
As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the
police, but they told me that no one was in our area to help at this
time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said "OK", hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police
"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to
the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear
things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two
miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,
household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far
away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the
wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
I know a man who has been married for 25 years and
he spends every evening at home.
That's what I call love.
No, the doctor called it paralysis.
A plane is on it's way to Montreal, when a blonde gets up and moves to
the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her
do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will
have go sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot
goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the
police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't
listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have
learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her
ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the
Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask
him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal.
What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in common?
They both have black boxes.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his
The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out,
fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a
So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you
and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!