A woman was in the hospital about to give birth. As she was being wheeled toward the delivery room, she asked the nurse :
"Is it O.K. if my husband is in the delivery room when the baby is born?"
"Of course" said the nurse, "We always encourage the baby's father to be present in the delivery room".
"Thats not such a good idea" replied the expectant Mom, "They don't get along so well".
"I have a confession to make," the recently released convict's wife told him. "You were gone so long that I went to bed with, well-maybe a dozen guys." "That's all right, honey," reacted her husband. "I'm five or six up on you."
What's the definition of a cad? An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until after she's pregnant.
Did you hear about the Italian who was asked to be a Jehovah's Witness? He refused because he didn't see the accident.
Why don't Italians have freckles? Because they slide off.
How can you tell an Italian with kidney trouble? He's the one with the rusty zipper and yellow tennis shoes.
You know how American boats say "U.S.S" and British boats say "H.M.S'? Well Italian boats say "A.M.B" Know what that stands for? "Atsa My Boat!!"
Sergeant Pasqueale had a fine time during his stay in Hong Kong , but paid for it when he came down with a strange Oriental venereal disease. So he made the rounds of every American doctor in the community. To his horror he discovered that not only were they unable to cure him, they all informed him that the only course of treatment was to have his penis amputated. Desperate, Sergeant Pasqueale made an appointment with a leading Chinese doctor , figuring that he might know more about an Eastern malady.
"Do you, Doctor Cheung ,think I need to have my dick amputated?" he asked anxiously.
" No ,no ,no, ",said the Chinese doctor testily A huge smile broke out over Pasqueale's face . "Boy that's great ,Doc. Everyone of those Amercian doctor's said it would have to be cut off."
"Those Western doctors-all they ever want to do is cut, cut," explained Dr. Cheung exasperatedly .
"You wait two weeks. Penis fall off all by it self."
One day while they were walking home after work, Pasqueale offered to buy Luigi a drink. Over a beer at the local tavern, Pasqueale leaned forward and asked in a stage whisper, "Luigi , you like women with hairy legs?"
"Hell no," answered Luigi , his nose wrinkling in distaste.
"How about women with long black hair under their arms?
'You think I like to fuck monkeys or something?" answered Luigi. "Thatsa not for me."
"How about when they got the hair in a bun and a big wart on the end of the nose?"
"I tell you ,I no like none of these things," returned his friend angrily.
" Then ,Luigi," asked Pasqueale , looking him straight in the eyes, "if you don' like none of these things, how come you fuckin' my wife?"
An Italian, a Black , and a Frenchman died and went to hell, where the devil made them an offer. "If you can name ONE thing I can't do," he boasted, I'll let you out of here."
'Put all the watermelons in the world right here," demand the Black man, and was immediately buried in a mountain of melons.
"Can you get me all ze Moet Chandon in ze world?" asked the Frenchman.. He drowned in a tidal wave of champagne.
"Ready for mine?" asked the Italian.
'You bet," said the devil, hands on his hips.
'Here's goes," said the Italian , cutting a giant fart, "Catch it and paint it green!"
Two Poles were hunting in the wood when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire three times into the air and help would come. So he did, but nothing happened. An hour he fired three more times. After another hour his friend Jerzy told him to try again.
"Okay," said Stanley,"but we're almost out of arrows."
" Did they have computers in the Garden of Eden?" the little boy asked in Sunday school.
"Of course not," answered the teacher. "Whatever gave you that idea?"
"It was my brother. He told me that Adam traded Eve a Wang for an Apple." ----------------------------------------------------------------------
A sexagenarian couple had just moved from the North in to their new Florida home. As the man emerged naked from the shower, his wife jokingly said, "Henry, is that all you've managed to save for retirement/"
"Not by a long shot, Louise, "answered her husband. "My personal bank account here will continue to grow as long as you apply interest regularly."
"I have a confession to make," the recently released convict's wife told him. "You were gone so long that I went to bed with, well-maybe a dozen guys."
"That's all right, honey," reacted her husband. "I'm five or six up on you."
The Scottish sergeant major walked into the local pharmacy in full military dress. As the chemist approached, he pulled a torn and tattered piece of paper from his sporran and carefully unfolded it to reveal a perforated, used condom.
"How much for a new one?" the soldier asked.
"One pound 50."
"How much to have this one repaired?"
"One pound ten."
"I'll be back tomorrow," the sergeant major said as he refolded the paper and carefully returned it to his sporran.
The next day, he walked back into the store, unfolded the paper and told the chemist, "The regiment would like this one repaired."
Elderly women approached the pearly gates and knocked.
"Who is it?" Saint Peter asked.
It is I," the women answered.
"Good God," Saint Peter muttered. "Another damned school teacher."
One of the proctologist's most annoying patients came in for an examination. The doctor ordered him to bend over and proceeded to probe with first one finger, then two fingers, causing the patient considerable discomfort.
"Hey, doc." The man objected,"why are you using two fingers?'
"I assumed, " the doctor replied," that you'd want a second opinion."
Why do shepherds wear flowing robes?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile a way.