====================================================================== A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said,
"Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked,
"Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes!
But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she said, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Two guys were hunting and got separated.
Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log, he soon fell asleep.
Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log.
As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he too was tired and took a nap.
A couple of hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field.
"What the hell's wrong with you, Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"
"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump, and while I was asleep, I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of God and a greasy stick, I would never have gotten 'em back in."
A man comes home from work to his blonde wife who has both her cheeks severly burnt.
"Oh my word, what happened to you dear?"
"Well," she said somewhat embarrased, " I was ironing your shirts when the telephone rang."
"I am sorry, that must have hurt. But how come the other cheek is burnt as well?"
"Well, I had to call the doctor..."
Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.
Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
Coming up with two too many after a head count.
Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.
Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.
Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.
Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
LITTLE JOHNNY: You said it was my lunch money.