A man walks into the bedroom, where his wife is in bed sleeping. Waking her up, he tries to put an aspirin in her mouth.
She says "What are you putting that in my mouth for, I don't have a headache, ".
"Great, lets fuck!!"
====================================================================== Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher,
"What's that, Miss Dawson?"
Miss Dawson decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a 'fuckin' pig'!"
Little Freddy was puzzled as to his origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Freddy, He did."
Again the answer was "Yes, Freddy, He did." Little Freddy shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there's been no *fucking* in this family for 100 years?!?!?
No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
An elderly fellow was taken to the hospital for an examination of his circulatory system. When he got home, his wife asked what had happened.
He replied, "They worked this gadget into my artery and up into my heart, and then they sucked out thirty years of chocolate cake."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! ======================================================================
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:
"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."
Two guys are sitting at a bar when, "THUMP!" "THUMP!", this 500 lb. fat woman walks by.
"Hey Joe," one guy says, poking his friend with his elbow, "what do you think of her, huh?"
Joe looks around and sees the woman, and comments,
"Oh, I'd say she's a 7."
"A 7!?" shouts his friend in disbelief, "Do you need some glasses, man? You're not drunk all ready, are you?"
"No," says Joe, "I was talking about the Richter Scale."
Blonde Judi is explaining to Monica the bad day she'd had at work.
Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
Monica said, "How horrible! What did you do?"
Judi shook her head. "There was nothing I *could* do.
He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
I've learned- that it's not what you have in your life that counts,
but how much you have in your bankac-counts.
I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As the old cock
could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock
from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards
productivity. Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 metres mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock in a matter of seconds.
Bang! ... before he could overtake the Old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "This is the fifth gay chicken I've bought this week."