011130
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A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed,
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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Things you can say at Thanksgiving and get away with!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. Are you ready for seconds yet?
7. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
9. Don't play with your meat.
10. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
12. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
13. You still have a little bit on your chin.
14. How long will it take after you stick it in?
15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
16. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
17. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
18. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" asked the priest.
"I had sex with a girl," Tommy confessed.
"Who was it, Tommy?" asked the priest.
"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin," Tommy asked.
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" the priest asked.
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" the priest inquired.
"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.
"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe," the priest persisted.
"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well," said Tommy, "I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."
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