Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way at least you'll get one thing done.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him,
"I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added,
"Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, then we'll have to put you to sleep."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels.
Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"