if you missed any jokes - you find them on www.solstikkan.has.it ====================================================================== Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock.
"If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
To truly love another, you must first love yourself.
And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either. ======================================================================
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
====================================================================== Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.
The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."
The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "they're Carol's."
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk." the judge said.
'"Well, you see, it's like this , your honor.
I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse.
Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big appointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with mence, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll put you both in jail for contempt!