Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.
A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions.
The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."
"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."
"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."
A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?!"
She replies "I'm defrosting them!"
The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my freakin' hotdog!"
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied,
"Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck!"
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska." from Filomena.
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court. Angelina says:
"Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."
The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life.
Number one,
you always keepa your nose clean.
Ana number two, never screw up.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
This little black boy and little black girl were playing in the playground. After a short while, the boy was getting bored.
He asked the girl, "Do you want to play construction?"
She replied, "What's construction?"
He told her, "You lay down, and I'll blacktop ya."
She replied firmly, "I'm not going to do that, I'll get pregnant."
Then he said, "Well roll over, and I'll asphalt ya."
What's the female version of Viagra called?
Niagra, guaranteed to keep her wet all the time.