Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks.
One got a curious look on his face and asked
Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?
Pete replied "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good

As the woman is getting dressed to leave
the tattoo artist asks
If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?

She says
I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!

A football coach noticed that his star tackle Bubba
had so many women
hanging around that he couldn't possible handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba
Just what the hell is your secret?

So Bubba replies
Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!

The coach went home early one day and went to his bedroom.
He heard his wife in the shower and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said

That you Bubba? ===================================================================== A young man named Brent leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Brent broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
Let's go to my apartment
I hear someone

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door
and leaned against it
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude
she purred at him
What would you say is my best feature?

Flustered and embarrassed
Brent finally squeaked
It's got to be your ears!

Astounded and a little hurt she asked
My ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin. No blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?

Clearing his throat
Brent stammered
Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.
One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies.
The guy behind him was pushing and shoving up against him.
Several times he told the guy to get lost
each time a little less
Finally he turned around and said
Look, buddy, if you don't stop pushing me, I'm going to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!
The other guy said
Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when
he noticed a young woman in the front row
wearing a tight dress with
her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to
the flock
so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman
after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone
the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.
Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?

Why reverend.
the young woman replied
all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.

Hmm. Well let me check,
said the reverend
placing his head between
her tits. After several minutes
he raised his head and said.
I don't hear any angels singing!

Of course not reverend.
she said. "You're not plugged in yet."
What's the difference between medium and rare?
Six inches is medium
eight inches is rare
A wife complains
Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
The husband mumbles
Damn clock always was slow.
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox
car shoved up his nose.
All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car
the father kept
I just don't know how he did it!
Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car
and the father and
son left.
A few hours later
the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS
nose. He told the doctor
Now I know how he did it!
A lady in a new Porsche is towed into a gas station. The mechanic says

What's the matter?
She says
It just conked out.
After he works on it a few minutes
it's purring like a kitten.
She says
What was the problem?
He says
No big problem, just crap in the carburetor
She says
How many times a week do I have to do that?
Late one Sunday afternoon
a blonde from a small town was taking a long
walk through a nearby meadow
when she was surprised to see a
parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

he cried when he spotted her down below.

What are you doing up there?
she called back.

I was skydiving,
he answered
and my parachute didn't open!

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well
of course it didn't. If you'd just
asked one of the locals
anybody could've told you that *nothing*
around here opens on a Sunday!"
Thirty minutes before a plane landed
its cabin lights came on

indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.

One of the passengers
upset because he was awakened
Who turned on the fucking lights!?

Oh, no sir,
the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."
Dear Dad, you are getting quite old; Your assets, I think, should be sold And given to me So that you can be free To live out those years they call gold.

Dear son, there's no reason to fret; I haven't got Alzheimer's yet; I'll do it my way, 'Till it's all pissed away; Not one nickel or dime will you get!