Procrastination is like masturbation.
You're only fucking yourself.
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy
a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he
simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for herself.
For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the
other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides
to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice ...
T + 0.1 seconds: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 seconds: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 seconds: She whispers in his ear "Blowjob revenge!"
A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up
to a woman lying by the roadside.
"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"Listen," the man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down
next to you?"
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says
that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter,
no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.
The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could
say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
What's worse than a cardboard box?
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's
penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can--just tie a string around it and hang a
weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and
you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.
Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.
The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great,I'm half way there!"
"Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's turning black!"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer
his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask
whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I
seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put
the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it
is I'm going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone,
"Pay me in advance."
The blonde called up the airline ticket counter and asked,
"How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?"
The counterman answered, "Just a minute."
At which, the blonde thanked him and hung up.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus
shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips onto the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,
"If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your dad had done the same thing
seven years ago, I would have a seat today."