If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a
strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shot
your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my
question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different
man every day!"
Husband to wife: "I'm feeling so depressed today."
Wife: "Why, Honey?"
Husband: "It's just that sometimes I feel so alone and useless."
Wife: "Oh, you don't have to feel so alone. A lot of people think
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it
up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job a
job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Thier task
for today is to each stand up in turn speak thier name and admit
to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in
for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the
back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for
armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you
what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it
to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judi, love,
you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new
position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and the heat was up
high. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"
"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna
notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the
thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the
covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on?
I see six feet at the end of the bed."
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count.
If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, four...
By gosh, you're right dear," as he stumbled back into bed.
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had
been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow I can't believe the dinosaurs would come
this close to the highway!"
How do blondes brain cells die?