The police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of
the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
monkeyand said "I wish you could talk".
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes", motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey motioned, "Screwing".
"They were screwing, too? asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwingbefore they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving", motioned the monkey.
Morty walks into a store and says, "Today is my wife's birthday,
and I would like to buy her a bottle of perfume."
The clerk says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Morty replies, "It sure will, she was expecting a diamond necklace."
Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed
a station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries.
20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth
Now, a five- year-old can do it.
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to
swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old
in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag,
"The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and
take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear
The photograher asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to
her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" -
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
- "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges
in and yells, "Son, How many times have I told you not to do that?
You'll go blind! Now stop it!"
The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of
Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the
butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?"
the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that.
A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid
grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for
Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a
new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the
maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they
reached her husband. "I assume you want to get him
something he really needs, madam?" the maid
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then how about five more inches?"
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high
volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right
out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of
tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having
observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and
says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with
a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days
late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Block-
buster in charge of immigration."