Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for
a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in
their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive
slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The 3 presidents, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) were at a summit dinner in France.
The waiter asks " le apperitive?" All of them answer "oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?"
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Important Information for Women;
Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...
And Adoring Your Man's Penis
Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.
If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse
steaks but contains only 150 calories.
A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.
Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
Intercourse prevents divorce.
Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain
Sex eliminates headaches.
Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.
Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover
earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
A rich Japanese man was living in the States.
His eyes were getting bad, so he went to see an eye doctor.
After the examination the doctor said,
"Mr. Suzuki, I believe you have two cataracts."
"No," he answered. "I have two Rincoln Continentals."
There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About 1 hr.
into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of
our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."
About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the intercom again and say
"There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm
sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr.
late arriving at our destination."
The blond turns to the man and says "Man if that forth engine goes out,
we'll be up here all day."