A blonde and her Husband are laying in bed watching TV, they are
watching an old western. The Husband says to the Blonde "I bet you
breakfast in bed, that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out
dead," " Your on." Says the blonde. They watch the western further
and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the
rider falls out of the wagon dead. The blonde gets out of bed and
returns with a tray full of food.
After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie
The Blonde smiles. " I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the
blonde was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice."
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.
The other day, Mike was seeing his shrink, and he asked Mike what he
looked for in a woman.
Naturally Mike replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
Mike replied,, "Oooh, OK, seriously Bigggg TITS."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to
spend the rest of your life with?"
The shrink looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his
couch laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?"
Mike replied, "Forget it, No woman's tits are that big."
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A woman's guide to buying gifts for men:
1. When in doubt buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words, "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK, by the way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99
cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from
his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
Again, no one knows why.
4. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes,he wouldn't have invented
5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with
the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and
flips, and flips.
6. Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
7. Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. We do not stink we are "earthy".
8. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
9. Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the
box. It will ruin any occasion and he will always have parts left over.
10. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Beaver Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Canadian Tire Store,
Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's
Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if
he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I
need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
11. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook but they will
Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the
gas leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants hamburger?"
12. Tickets to a Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Central Texas
Stampede games are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate
tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
13. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don't know why please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.
14. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension
No one knows why.
15. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
No one knows why.