A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the
pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender,
and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman
in there and she's covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs,
and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out,
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing.
Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom,
and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you
like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is
lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
Now, how about a drink?"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
A typical family of hillbillies, Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked,
"Paw, what is Sex?"
Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I'll show you."
Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"
Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed.
Now spread your legs."
Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole on Maw? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and
"What's goin' on?"
Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."
Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"
"See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Yangon when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly Drilling Engineer.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had.
This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500".
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see a small but exotic island covered in Palm trees.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
He nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own that island.
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."