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HANDY ONE LINERS :
1) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
5) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
6) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
10) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
12) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
14) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
18) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 45
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are
not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendale's.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love
and you reply "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.