A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I
have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot
she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he observed her driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Officer: "Do you know where you were going?
"Blonde: "No, but wherever it was, it must be bad'cause all the people
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's
magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't
natural, since the hair between your legs is black".
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're
turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on
by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked
now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm
bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
"I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
"Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it
three times?" "No", said the old man,
"It means you can take your pick."
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?""
OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is
lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles,
"Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he
smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."After the second time
they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl,
thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady
legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed,
totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner
escaped again."Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's
not life imprisonment!"
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and
he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."