================================================================= 020122 ================================================================== An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married, but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin. After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey. The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they're riding in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his cock. "Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the world is that?" "You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire. "Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything like that in my whole life!" The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman. "I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to marry you! I'm going to make you the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!" A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out his penis and says to her, "Are you sure you've never seen anything like this?" "Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder. "Well," explains the man, "this is my cock." "No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief. "It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire. "No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and black!" ================================================================= While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret." ================================================================= Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?" ================================================================ What's the difference between a young woman and an old woman? A young one uses Vaseline; an old one uses Poli-Grip. ================================================================ A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier." ================================================================= How can you tell if a blonde has been in the fridge? There's lipstick on the cucumber ================================================================= What are the two hardest years in a blonde's life? Sixth grade. ============================================================== What Men Are Like... sometimes! MEN ARE LIKE......Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years MEN ARE LIKE......Bank Accounts, without a lot of money they don't generate much interest MEN ARE LIKE......Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why MEN ARE LIKE......Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips MEN ARE LIKE......Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long MEN ARE LIKE......Commercials, you can't believe a word they say MEN ARE LIKE......Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory MEN ARE LIKE......Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere MEN ARE LIKE......Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it MEN ARE LIKE......Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair MEN ARE LIKE......Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get hard MEN ARE LIKE......Goverment Bonds, they take so long to mature MEN ARE LIKE......High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it MEN ARE LIKE......Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong MEN ARE LIKE......Lava Lamps, fun to look at , but not all that bright MEN ARE LIKE......Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion MEN ARE LIKE......Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small MEN ARE LIKE......Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while MEN ARE LIKE......Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the table MEN ARE LIKE......Snow storms, you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last MEN ARE LIKE......Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable MEN ARE LIKE......Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest MEN ARE LIKE......Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are MEN ARE LIKE......Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap MEN ARE LIKE......Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them MEN ARE LIKE......Dry cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring =================================================================