Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when
Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a
shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that
for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"FUCK!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
This ol' gal goes into the pharmacy and looks around each isle
carefully. Meanwhile the pharmacist is noticing her, so he goes over
and asks,"Miss,can I help you find something?"
"Well", she stammers,"Do you have any petroleum jelly with teflon in it?"
He gives her a funny look and shakes his head no then proceeds to
"Well, the next time me and the old man fuck, I wanna make sure the
meat don't stick like last time."
How do you know when you're really old?
You can remember championship fights between two white guys.
What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
It was a little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to
play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the
students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy
She asked "Do you know what it is?" Kenny replied "No"
The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Kenny
The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Kenny said
The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint...it is something your daddy
wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little
girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "KENNY, SPIT IT
OUT......... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the
closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"