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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a
wonderful mother to our kids, and is fantastic in bed."
A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an early
release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
" What's is in for ?", asked the Governor.
" For stealing a ham."
" That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
" No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy."
" Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?"
" No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth."
" Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
" Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're
nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
Two blondes had pooled together their money an gotten a second-hand car.
They went driving up in the mountains, going around dangerous corners
and curves at sixty mies an hour!
Finally the blonde passenger couldn't stand it any longer. "Every time
you go around one of those tight turns so fast I get really scared!"
"If you get frightened," advised the driver, "why don't you do like I do?
I keep my eyes closed."
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to
hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of
chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"
"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."
The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride."
She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."
So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on
his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck,
The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you
in back with the chickens!"
About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So
the driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back with the chickens!
About two more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and
saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and
approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding
The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just
wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the
trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Yangon when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly Drilling Engineer.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that
she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive
could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had.
This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500".
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out
front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building
with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with
her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm
hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see a small but exotic island covered
in Palm trees.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own that island.