Women have many faults. Men have only 2 -
everything they say and everything they do.
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.
She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.
As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about
what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Susan phones her husband, Nick, at work for a chat.
Nick: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."
Susan: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
Nick: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good
Susan: "Well, the air bag works."
Three kids are arguing about whose dad is the fastest.
The first kid says, "My dad is so fast that he can shoot an arrow from a
bow, and catch the arrow before it hits the target."
The second kid says, "That's nothing, my dad is so fast that he can
shoot a bullet from his pistol and catch the bullet before it hits the
The third kid says, "Aw, both of your dads are slowpokes. My dad works
for the government. And he's so fast, that he finishes work at 5 PM and
he's home by 3.
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds
to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back
raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it
attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else
want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said
to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd
say, it would have to be bolted on!"
A father passes the bath room and hears his son masturbating inside.
Later, he takes his son aside and tells him ," son if you don't stop
beating your meat you are going to die". Dad was hopeing to scare him
out of the bad habit.
However,later that day, Dad passes the bath room door and hears,
" Do die, do die, don't care if I do die, one more crack and the juice
will fly ".
Ted: "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?"
Blondie Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "A what?"
Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "I've never heard of a Perndle before."
Sue: "Me either, but that's what it says, right over the steering
Ted: "It says *what* over the steering wheel?"
Sue: "The name of the car. It's spelled out, right above the steering
wheel and right beneath the speedometer: P-R-N-D-L."
How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's cloged up with paperplates.
What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.