020209 - See the "beawer" pix at www.solstikkan.has.it
Ole and Lena felt like "getting romantic" on a saturday afternoon,
which was inconvienient because little Ole was hanging around the house.
Ole had an idea. He sent little Ole out on the front porch and told him
to report anything interesting he saw happening in the neighborhood.
Ole reminded him, "Yust make sure you yell loud enough so ve van hear
you in da house". Little Ole did as he was told, and started making
announcements. " The Yohnsons drove off in their car...A U-Haul truck
yust vent by...Somebody came to see da Nelsons... The Torkelsons are
Ole jumped out of bed and yelled out the upstairs window, "How do you
Little Ole hollered back, "Because dey yust sent Billy Torkelson out
on the front porch too."
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you
think it's worth the extra effort?
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to
the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more
personal and sincere.
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"I don't know," the second boy answered.
"But every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."
The definition of a Jewish menage a trois?
Two headaches and a hard-on.
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the
manager and asks, "Do you have any small note books?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos?
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should
close the damn store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My
wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying- W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.
One day when she came home from work she discovered that her
beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone
had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next
morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.
The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this
information she asked the young boy,
"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"
Then the boy said,
"No, but can that be my reward?"
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David replied.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asked in shock.
"Well," David said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start
to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swelled and he looked at his boy with newfound
pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David said, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines can blow the Mother Fucker UP."
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father
received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front
lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."