A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about
all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear
about the way his mother cooked.
A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but
wasn't getting any better."
The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this
phony give you ?"
"He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.
Why can't single women fart?
They dont get an asshole till they get married !
A young soldier is being reprimanded by his commanding officer for
moving and giving away his position during a camouflage and concealment
"Young man, don't you realise your comrades are depending on you? You
could have gotten them all killed!" the commander shouts.
"Yes sir, I know, but I thought I'd done rather well up to that point",
the soldier replies. "I didn't flinch when the wasp landed on my nose,
I didn't move when the bird crapped on my head and I didn't say a thing
when the dog cocked it's leg on my boots. But when I felt the two
squirrels run up my trouser leg and heard one say, 'Let's have half now
and save the other one for winter' I couldn't help myself!"
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says,
blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint
the living room in their house.
So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in
a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink.
He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done,
but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
they said, "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!"
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like .. plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on
and promises to heal the sick. "If only you would pray with him
and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on
the afflicted area."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his
Upon seen this action, the man's wife says, "Gee, honey He said heal
the sick, not raise the dead!"