020211 -
"Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the
fuck happened."
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
I went for piano lessons when I was a young man... I loved the finger
exercises, but then my instructor would put on her clothes and say the
lesson was over. It wasn't until many years later that I
discovered that I was going into the wrong building...
The Music school was right next door to a bordello... I can't play
squat on the piano... but boy, can I finger!
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right!
She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels
bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his
cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk,
and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate,
and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of
a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just
backed his truck over three motorcycles."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a
man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the
United States Congress?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all
right. I'll trust you anyway."
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely
examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk
for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he
finally said,
"it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what
it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.