All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
The newlywed at the bridge table was bemoaning the fact that
she couldn't have children. They gathered around and assured her
that she would, but she insisted " Oh no, I just can't swallow that stuff."
"I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and
they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won't accept the
voices in my head as references."
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets
him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I
want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do
a good job.
"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house,
and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough,
Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards
are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one
side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,
his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to
the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to
confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house
with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too
fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for
me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels the phone was
still ringing when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it.
It was your wife she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!