At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave
the house. Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when
their wife leaves.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared
for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother
asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think", replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I
won't get a vacation unless I'm married."
Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked "Is
that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application
it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly
After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself
pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the
man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned
to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it
comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy. "Well," replied the first. "I
can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but
my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."
He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally
bumped a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his elbow.
"I'm so sorry," the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation
added, "But I'm sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast,
there's a place for you in heaven."
"Well," said the blonde, "if your cock's as hard as your elbow, we
should go into those bushes and fuck!"
What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.