The perfect man....has a 12 inch tongue and can
breathe through his ears.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on
a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
collect all the money!
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of
the usual things that lead to this situation.
The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked,
"Don't you mean homosexuality?"
"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy
him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house,
and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well,
the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that.
Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen
walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you
say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because
she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the
center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" and he replies "SEX!!!".
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
for a while".
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's"
When a blonde finally got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked,how to plug it in,
set the timer, go back to bed, "...and upon rising the coffee is ready!"
A few weeks later the blonde wife was back in the store and Riley asked her
how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his
wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,
"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she
agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and
everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son
to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the
The following are some classic written excuses given
to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system:
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She
was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going
around, her father even got hot last night."
"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."
"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."
"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."
PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear
you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be
you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to
go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see
where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.
Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to
tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left
leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the