What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid 3
or 4 times a week."
The other regular replied, "that's strange; cuz that's the reason why I got
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute.
He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls
on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now pull it out ..
. now put it back in ... now pull it out ... "
"For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your fucking mind?"
Little Johnny was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," Little Johnny responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," Johnny said. "All you have to do is add it
up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse,
four richer, four poorer."
Rex was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of
The clerk noticed he had been there for some time and that he appeared
to be having trouble picking one out. She walked over and asked him if
she could be of assistance.
Rex answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the
size she is, or the size I want her to be?"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you
should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and
they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"
A mortician was working late one night preparing bodies for burial.
As he examined the body of a Curly David, he made an amazing discovery: The man had the longest penis he had ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Curly David," the mortician said, "but this has to be saved for posterity." The mortician detached the dead man's schlong, stuffed it into
a briefcase and took it home.
"Honey," he said to his wife as he reached in to recover his prize.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe."
"Oh my God," she screamed as it came into view.
"Stikkan is dead!!!"
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she
replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
Terri & Joe were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing
what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and Joe goes into the bathroom, but finds no towel when he
emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the
When Terri gets to the bathroom door, he's standing there naked, exposing
his body for the first time to Terri where she can see all of.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,
and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what
we had so much fun with last night."
Terri replied in amazement, "So what do we do with the leftovers?"