A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving well above
the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in
his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors
it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70,
80, 90 miles per hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck,"
and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He
leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror,
I thought that *YOU* were the officer and that you were trying to give
her back to me!"
I'd like to lose some weight, but the gym can be very discouraging.
Yesterday I sat on the rowing machine and it sank!
It's been a tough week. Today they cancelled my life insurance policy.
They said I need to get a life!
I recently attended a stress management seminar, and I
discovered that the cause of my stress IS managment!
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in
close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor
passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever
One lady said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
The "not so bright man" in the corner replied,
"It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw,
and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's
2001. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
A couple was planning to get married. Before the wedding, the bride
goes up to her fiance's father and tells him,
"There's something I haven't told your son yet...some sort of a medical
problem..." She tell him, and he agrees to tell his son...
He pulls his son off to the side for a few minutes and tells him,
"There's something I need to tell you about your future wife...She has
The son turns to him and says,"That's great! 'Cause her tits sure are ugly!"
Ask a girl to play carnival some day and when she asks how,
tell her to sit on your face and you'll guess her weight.
What's the hardest part about a sex change from a MAN to a WOMAN?
Inserting the anchovies!
What do you call a sex change from a WOMAN to a MAN?
If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three!
A foursome of very senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm
for the sport.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the
"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another of
the old men complained.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the
After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of
the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends,
just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"
A blonde student was writing a test when she walked up to the teacher
and said she was having trouble. Her teacher asked her which question
she was having trouble with.
She replied "I can't understand the first one.
What do you mean : Put your name in the right hand corner"?