How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for longer than 2 minutes!!!
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former
"loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because
she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
John said, "Anthony, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be
prejudiced against handicaps.
What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
A farmer and his wife were running late for a costume party. They got
into their 2-man cow costume and decided to take a shortcut across a
Suddenly the farmer, who was the head of the cow, saw a bull approaching.
When he told his wife she said, "Oh my, what are we going to do?"
The farmer replied, "I'm going to pretend like I'm eating grass, you'd
better brace yourself."
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends
says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on
top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Yeah well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got
somebody to talk to.
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.
The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
A blonde decides to do something she hasn't done before, and goes to
the video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking
around the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but
static on the screen. She calls the store to complain stating, "I just
rented an adult movie from you and there is nothing on the tape but
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title
did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately
still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
already on the lower bunk. So he and his girlfriend climbed into the
As you expected, things began to heat up. The guy remembers that his
brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,
"Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new
She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull
It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"
Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one
minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.