Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
"So what's bothering you, dear?" asks Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father," Mary sobs, "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
"Oh, Mary, that's terrible," says the priest consolingly. "Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence.
They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at
his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have
taken off my panty hose."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you
call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must
be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection
it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the
swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily
lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and, as he sits down, he farts. Within a few minutes a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call
for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
You must be new here," says the hairy man. "It is a rule here that if you
fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where the smiling, naked
receptionist greets him. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here
is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the
$500 membership fee!" "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for
a few hours, you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The
man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day... no thanks!"