Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted
all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the
doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the
head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the
'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to
the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat
pig just walked in!"
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a
billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I
drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by
buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the
salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he
hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits?
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever
seen a Spaniel's ears?"
A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount
of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "Either you don't know how to screw, or I don't
know how to shit!"
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their
family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not
yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother
says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says,
"When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think
we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they
shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready
and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of
the bathroom, he saw her
standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you
doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning
I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take
the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need
anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife
with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these
up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your