The husband had finally had enough of being Pussy-whipped. He burst
through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I
want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going
upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob.

Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me.
Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's
gonna tie my fucking tie just the way I like it."

"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."
For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know
something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your
wife during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.

"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask...

That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee
to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol
Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I
died, would you get married again?"

"I suppose so," she replied.

"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"

"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."

"Would you make love to him?"

"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."

"Would you give him my car?"

"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said
she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised,
would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she
was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She
phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation,
however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:


One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."