020312 - make this day different - be nice to somebody !
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake
when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after
she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in
front of her house and left it there all night.
Did you ever notice that when you fall in love, you sink into his arms??
But after the wedding your arms are in his sink??
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he
has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"
What's the difference between the game of pool and a woman?
With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays out,
while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls out.
LAWS OF SLOW PEOPLE
1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each
2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow
driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in
their rearview mirrors, either.
4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone
trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get
around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that
is moving at the highest speed.
5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up
with soggy ice cream every time
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey..." asked the brunette at the wheel ,"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah.......looks like it..."
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them.
A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3
little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and
says "How are you today little doggy"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented,
and have been going in and out of puddles all day" The girl then turns
to the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy" The dog
I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of
puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't
look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be" At
this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for
"Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"