My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she
has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of
the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and
says, That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's,
five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's
spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!"
The one man turns to her and says, "Madam, it's obvious that you've
never heard an elephant fart."
Two drunk blondes are stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to get
home. The first blonde needs to take a piss bad so she tromps off into
After almost 10 minutes the second blonde begins to get worried and
heads into the field to look for the first. She walks for almost a
kilometer until she finally finds the first blonde.... kneeling beneath
a horse, sucking its cock.
"What in the world are you doing that for???" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde sucks her lips away from the huge cock and drools,
"Hold on, I think I may be able to get us a free ride home!"
What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving
You can also sit upright in a car.
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a
dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day
that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel
Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Heck no in
fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a
pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these
four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very
good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her
all at once and she split right up the middle.'
The old lady fainted.