What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could
we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a bloody microwave?
A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked the
mortician if he would cut off the husbands dick for her.
The mortician thought this to be an odd request, but since it WAS her
husband, he complied with her wishes and cut it off and gave it to her.
She wrapped it up and took it home.
When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some chopped
onions and some butter into the pan, and started cutting up the dick.
Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what she was doing, and
asked "What the hell are you doing with that dick??!!"
The woman replied "Hey, for 35 years i ate it HIS way, now i'm gonna
eat it MY way!"
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked
the store manager how much it was he said "I am blind drop it on the
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground."Aahh that's
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really
wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it.
"That will be $20.00"
"But you said $10.00"
"$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call."
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has
ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still
haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it.
Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing
the dog high enough."
Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."