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The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat.
A couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband who is very thin
and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna
be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's
nothing that I should feed you for."
One day at lunch a several guys were engaged in a little friendly
bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their
members. First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until
the whole thing became quite ridiculous.
Then Artie said matter of factly, "Mine's about four inches."
There was stunned silence before one of the guys said,
"Art, you're kidding right?" "Not at all, four inches." He said, with
perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it." We all sat in
embarrassed silence until Artie continued, "Of course, others complain
it's just too wide."
The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to
me as a bird, and tell me why." She leaves the kiddies for a short
while and then asks them their answers.
Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's
white and elegant"
"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.
Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and
I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."
"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.
Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally
asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"
Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"
The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks,
"Why is that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"