The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open
your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims,
"My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry
your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife
asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY,
let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers,
"So I can get it enlarged!"
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day.
Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word.
Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says,
"Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her
composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
A BLONDE teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me".....
"Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't
it knock my teeth out?"
Did you hear about the 2 gay lawyers?
They wanted to try each other.
My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and
came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you
shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving
that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his
early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me
masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be
saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the
priest. "Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my
pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed
to do with it?"