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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat soon after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought one at a time"
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o' me brothers and one for meself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All of the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment. Then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that me wife had us join that Mormon Church, and they don't allow drinking, so I had to quit." Hasn't affected me brothers though."
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man. he bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother
ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same
question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she
wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how
to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup
truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.
My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I
said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.