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020417
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WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam!
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Q: How are women like snow flakes?
A: They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can be cold
as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face.
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Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
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Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make
her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror
applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what
age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet!"
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash
register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the
world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived
on the plane, he felt the seats and said, 'Wow, these seats are big!'
The person next to him answered, 'Everything is big in Texas.'

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, 'Wow these mugs are big!'
The bartender replied, 'Everything is big in Texas.'

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, 'Second door to the right.'
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to
death, the blind man started shouting,
'Don't flush, don't flush!'
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In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships,
they finally accomplished the following.
USA is USS which means "United States Ship".
British is HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship".
and now Italy is AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"
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The blonde goes into the store and does her shopping. When she
finishes and returns to her car she discovers that she has locked her
keys in the car.

Finding no one to help she returns to the store in search of a clothes
hanger. After locating a hanger she goes back out to the parking lot
and carefully opens it up and proceeds to work on her door to get it
unlocked. After a few minutes, she succeeds in opening the door.

When she gets home, beaming with pride, she tells her story to her
husband. She also reassured him that she was going to make sure she
was prepared for the next time.

She says: "I kept that hanger; I put it in the trunk."
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A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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