020422 - www.solstikkan.has.it have new funny pix !!
"Yes. The operator should have seen the deer, and yes, it should have been removed" - Walter Bortree of the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation, on a road repair crew that paved over a dead deer.
A man from New York City decided to write a book about synagogues around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.Going to a very large temple, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign that read: "$10,000. a minute." Seeking out the rabbi, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The rabbi answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the rabbi and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit the temples in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each rabbi.
Finally, he arrived in Florida. Upon entering a temple in Boca Raton, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time, the sign read: "Calls: 35
cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the rabbi. "Rabbi, I have been in cities all across the country and in each temple I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other temples the cost was $10,000. a minute - your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"
The rabbi, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Florida now, it's a local call."
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means
you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,"Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"