020425 - read more at www.solstikkan.has.it
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak
about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them in the exact order: 1, then 2, then 3 and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope was almost twice the size of the first envelope and contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And envelope number 3?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope was a lot bigger and it contained $25,000 cash with a note, 'Please use this to buy a 'nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my 'nice stone'?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on thewrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.