020513 - click www.panda-sonics.has.it if you missed the dogball
A gas station in "redneck country" was trying to increase its sales so
the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked
for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time,
pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week
The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the
Queen's Range Rovers.
Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop
"Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne.
"Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state
The armed robbers look fed up, whens suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off.
As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne
turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear."
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the
car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne
"You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you
should know five things . . .
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
"Now think about is seriously mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the
majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
A man goes to a $10 hooker and a few days later discovers he
has crabs. He goes back to the hooker to complain.
She asks, "What do you expect for $10? Lobster?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender,
believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference,
pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been
poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the
bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not
paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of
much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only
6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good,
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality,
The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire
episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down
in front of him and asks, "what do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the
liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" to which the old drunk
replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat
osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his
announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's
surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also
encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or
swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've
got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't
any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium
to make a bone about 6 inches long."