Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?
That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
A Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Avery, don't wait until it's too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters.'" Mr. Avery replied. "I didn't say they were my sisters."
A guy walks into an ice-cream shop with his wife and his son.
He says, "I'll have a chocolate cone."
The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla cone."
Then he slaps his son in the back of the head and says,
"What do you want, fat head?"
The lady behind the counter says, "Why'd did you
smack him and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a
man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. You
see that nice big truck sitting out there? That's mine.
The second thing a man wants in life is a nice big
house. You seen that nice big house on top of the
hill on the edge of town? That's mine.
The third thing a man wants in life is a nice tight
pussy. And I had that too......... until fat head came along."
10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY...
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and
it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in New Jersey
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at
cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is
to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
20. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.