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Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting
great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."
"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Nowhere, Sweety," he says. "Please turn over."
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, "How come you aren't married?"

Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican???"
"Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"
When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.
After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.
Important Information for Women;

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...
And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse
steaks but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover
earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
Advice from an Old-Timer on Growing Older
1. never trust a fart
2. never pass a urinal
3. if its hard, use it
Why did the blonde climb to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.