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SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up
for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!
A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out".
With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk. "What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the "thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it on the way."
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone
who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents'
private conversations. One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were
shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's
another boy we're going to call it quits!"
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took
her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet
decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when
we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located
next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to
see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby,
"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"