You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler.
Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.
"Hey Dick! How's it going?" asked Michael.
"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick. "I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?" Michael asked. "A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"
Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"
A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering,and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar!"
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.
Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."
She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."
Baby Frog: Mama, who is smarter- a chicken or a frog?
Mama Frog: We are of course!!
Baby Frog: How do you know?
Mama Frog: Well, who ever heard of Kentucky Fried Frog?
Farmer and his young bride lived out in the country and the preacher would stop by and of course the would invite him in for chicken dinner.
Well this went on and the preacher, practically started to be there everyday and the farmer had to go out in the fields to work, and the preacher would stay with the young bride but every time that he came over the young wife would have the farmer kill a chicken for dinner.
Finally after a hard day's work the farmer was driving the tractor into the barn when the young bride stepped out on the porch and hollered at him to get her a chicken so that she could cook one for the preacher.
The farmer hollered, "Screw the preacher!"
To which the young bride replied "I already did, but I still need the chicken."
Steve said to his wife, Irene, over dinner, "You know, drinking makes you beautiful."
Puzzled, Irene said, "I don't drink."
"I know," said Steve, "but I do."
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs into the toilet?
To feed the toilet duck
Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."
"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer
and the 2 females were on the phone."
A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large".
The man was sure he would want a medium or large but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".