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020820 - new daily pix at www.solstikkan.has.it !!!
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Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to
advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their
Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's
Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance
sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt.
stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones
explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you
have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into
battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?"
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The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of
the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and
says, That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's,
five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
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A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for
cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a
week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
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A lawyer who was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness,
stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge replied: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."
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Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's
spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's
spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!"

The one man turns to her and says, "Madam, it's obvious that you've
never heard an elephant fart."
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What is the loose skin around the pussy called?
The woman.
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My blonde girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
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Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!
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A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey,I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the
top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.
When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.
If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good
enough for ours!"
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HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.

7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you don't have a waterbed.

10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.

15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.

16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

18.Your income check bounces.

19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

20.Your pet rock snaps at you.

21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
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