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020103
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Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
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Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it
was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She
was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her
all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime.
Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green
bananas!
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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference
between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were
to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts
out, "you'd be his wife!"
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The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and
board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said,
"if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to
the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and
felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he
asked for his bill.
"It'll be just three dollars, since you had to share the
bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her tomorrow."
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A doctor says to his patient Todd,
"I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're
showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Thomas asks.
"The good news is I think you're cute."
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Morris was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of
Wonder Bras.
The clerk noticed he had been there for some time, so she walked over
and asked him if she could be of assistance.
Morris, somewhat confused answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra,
am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"
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There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A
police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
license."
To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an
ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special
consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this??
It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's
quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering
his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good
and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any
smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with
20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's
really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when
I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
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